You are the sole employee of a strange business. You have never seen your employer before, but at the end of every week there is a paycheck waiting for you in an envelope in your mailbox.
tHIS IS THE SINGLE MOST BRILLIANT THING I HAVE EVER HEARD I WAS IN HYSTERICS AT 2 CUIL
i find this hilarious considering The Cuil Theory was a popular meme back in 2012, with a similar format as a popular Welcome To Nightvale meme. “weird” posts would usually have an additional reblog with “and now, the weather” in reference to WTNV but for a few months, “weird’ posts would be ended with “i give you a hamburger”. the peak of the meme was around late october of 2012, the actual video itself being published february of 2012.
Gaud walked into a grocery store and the lights flickered.
It was a normal Tuesday afternoon.
I’d finished putting the display back up, and decided that I should probably clean up the vomit at A3, near the front of the store. I heard the door open and do it’s jingle, but no one was there. As I stared, I thought I could hear a faint hissing.
The lights died. This was the first time this had ever happened since I worked here. The circuits had frequent checks and any blown bulbs were usually replaced pretty quickly. And they sure as hell don’t blow all at once. I could still see, from the light streaming in from the window, but I couldn’t see more than the faint shadowy end of my isle.
I squinted and I saw them.
“It” wasn’t a good term. They carried themselves well, and you just felt that they were human, but slightly off. Like some kind of imperfect impostor, trying their best to lower themselves to a human level. They were in B2, adjacent to my aisle, where the candy was stocked. They stared unnervingly at the skittles. I don’t even think they blinked unless they wanted to communicate.
The skittles seemed to phase into the basket in their pink arms, which were pointing forward perpendicular to their body. They walked both robotically and smoothly, trying to calm the people there from their otherworldliness but failing and scaring them even more. The strange, pink creature stopped motionless at the cash register.
All of the employees had probably run to the bathroom to hide and the patrons had all run outside, so I was the only one in their vicinity. I walked, hesitant, to the register, after 5 minutes of them being motionless.
They took out a small notebook and began writing in perfect Helvetica.
Gaud
Was that their name?
“Uh, hi Mx. Gaud, um,” I scanned their single pack of skittles.
“Is that all, uh Mx?”
Change
They wrote on their pad again.
Money
They handed me a twenty dollar bill.
“That’s… way too much for skittles, Mx. Do you need-”
They scribbled frantically.
Smallrou nd orang e
“You want your change in pennies?”
yesyesyes
“We don’t have 2000 pennie-”
GIVE ME ALL YOU HAVE
They were writing so furiously that the paper caught on fire. They blew it out and wrote normally.
Sorry for anger just hungry give me what you can
Hungry? For pennies? Well, they were a strange, pink creature. Maybe that was their normal diet.
“I have about, uh, 300 pennies, and I’ll give you your 17 back.”
No need many know me keep for self
Know me? Are they some cult leader?
“Wow, uh thanks, Mx. Gau-”
They wrote something and shoved it into my palm, then lifted one finger to their uncanny mouth, smiling strangely. After receiving the money, they shoved some pennies into their toothless, rubbery mouth and- Ugh, put the he skittles in their eyes. I flinched away.
They walked calmly out of the store, fading and looking less and less real the farther they walked. After fading completely, the lights flickered back on. I looked at the clock- my shift was over? I had only been working for a few hours!
I uncrumpled the paper. There, written in their strange script, colored even though they only had a pencil were the words:
mmmmmkay, so lemme preface this with that I live in a small town of 2,000 people in AL
so a couple of weeks ago, the cops went to my great uncle’s house to arrest my cousin (im gonna call her K) for a “felony” (no one knows exactly why, but there is a lot of material the cops could have pulled from). once they got to the house and went up to knock on the door, and found another one of my cousins hiding place where he grew his weed plants. so then that cousin (let’s call him J). So K isnt at my great uncles house, but they caught and arrested J on a distribution and paraphernalia charge. So the cops are still looking for K, and they wind up going to her daughter’s house, to find her youngest (S) hiding her sons father, who is wanted for murder in Birmingham. So now S and her ex are arrested for that, and they picked up S’s older sister while they were there because she was on parole and was caught up with S’s shit. K still hasnt been found. The cops wind up going to my other cousin’s who live across the road from us (who are Js parents and Ks brother and sister in law) to look for K and wind up arresting my great uncle (who was at their house???? instead of his own???) because he pulled a gun on the cops, then arresting Js dad bc he punched the cop who handcuffed my great uncle. and K? she was across the street breaking into my car and stealing mywallet. the only reason we found this out is because when I went to pick my wallet up from the police station I saw all of my family’s names on the “in custody” board and my mom called the on call chief bc apparently she dated him in college and he owed her a favor.
tl;dr: all of my grandmother’s 2nd oldest brother’s family got arrested except for his son’s daughter because she moved out of this hell hole as soon as she graduated highschool
it’s 2:15 am and this is the BEST bedtime story anyone’s ever told me
Anxiety-prone-human 